The Illuminati
By Ronnie

Illuminati are the nearest to an anti-rock and roll band as you can find. They stand against everything that mainstream rock and roll stands for. For instance, when the band first advertised for a guitarist, the ad read, "guitarist wanted to destroy alternative music". Mysterious and distant, I was only able to interview the band through a cryptic myriad of e-mails over the last month. And it was tough to peg the band to certain questions. The identity of the band members is still unknown.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the next generation of rock and roll stars…the Illuminati!

E.C.: What is the Illuminati and what does it mean?

The Minister of Propaganda: The Illuminati are the covert ruling elite who stage manage the day to day affairs of the brainwashed masses. Illuminati is the covert use and worship of absolute power for its own sake. To sum up the illuminati philosophy: 1) The most cherished illusion a slave has is the illusion of freedom and 2) To paraphrase Sun Tzu: "attack when appearing to retreat"

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: It's our band. It's a joke among the members. We wanted to see how flagrantly we could present ourselves to the masses.

E.C.: When the band first advertised for a guitarist, the ad read, "guitarist wanted to destroy alternative music"…does this seem to sum up the approach/philosophy of the Illuminati?

The Minister of Propaganda: Absolutely! Manchurian candidates as guitarists serve to avoid the usual pitfalls of rock guitarists: substance abuse Ego/"guitar hero" syndrome.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: The ad was a ruse. Our "guitarist" is a long standing member of the Illuminati. You don't get into the Illuminati by responding to an ad.

E.C.: Does rock and roll have a future?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: We are not in the business of predicting the future. We make it.

The Minister of Propaganda: Irrelevant question. Rock and roll "have a future" in the same sense that IBM or the Federal Reserve Board "have a future". Rock and roll will exist as long as the profit return on it remains high and it sufficiently distracts/alienates enough young people away from their slavery. When it fails, new variations can easily be invented.

E.C.: How about a few word associations: Politics?

The Minister of Propaganda: Window dressing for controlling the herd.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: Another method of control. One of many.

E.C.: Missing people?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: Milk.

The Minister of Propaganda: Foolish people who were given ample opportunity to acclimate themselves to the reality of their situation.

E.C.: Bigfoot?

The Minister of Propaganda: Foot long turds under Mt. St. Helens.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: Large chunks of fecal matter found in subterranianmagma tubes.

E.C.: UFO's?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: Ultra Fast Objects.

The Minister of Propaganda: Pretty lights designed to keep stoned "x-files" fans placated and to distract "conspiracy theorists". "If the truth is out there" rest assured that the masses will never be informed.


The Minister of Propaganda: From time to time, our redneck guard-dogs smell blood and get a bit out of hand. Being merciful masters we threw them a few religious fanatics.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: Baylor. Southern Baptists.

E.C.: Bill Clinton?

The Minister of Propaganda: Current over-sexed rubber stamp puppet president. Occasionally annoying and unreliable but extremely amusing.

E.C.: Vince Foster?

The Minister of Propaganda: Where the search for the "truth" will get you.

E.C.: Elvis?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: One of the most overrated people of the twentieth century.

The Minister of Propaganda: Elvis is a metaphor southern white trash achievement. This metaphor gives hope to inbred, stupid, redneck, backwards, simpletons that with hard work and a bit of luck, they too can become a "king" (king in this instance defined by an unlimited supply of prescription pills and pre-adolescent women ). Colonel Tom Parker on the other hand, truly understood the principles of the Illuminati.

E.C.: Devo?

The Minister of Propaganda: A band a bit too clever for their own good. Like the few clever bands that occasionally, temporarily slip through our fingers, they ultimately shot themselves in the foot After all, who wants to listen to a bunch of guys wearing flower pot hats telling you how badly your life sucks.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: We'd have to have them killed if anybody ever took them seriously.

E.C.: What does rock and roll represent?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: The illusion of freedom. Eternal Failure.

The Minister of Propaganda: Rock and roll represents a harmless, cathartic, ritual in which potentially harmful rebellious tendencies of the masses are channeled into a harmless and profitable medium. "Rock-n-roll" is especially useful in redirecting youthful angst into nihilism, sexual depravity, and self destruction rituals. As one of our favorite trained hands said "Its only rock and roll but I like it...."

E.C.: Who IS Perry Walker?

The Minister of Propaganda: That is classified information. It is imperative to your "freedom" and "security" that a "democratically" elected government have the power to arbitraility withhold information from those it rules over.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: The genetically reproduced Christ child. A twenty-first century Everyman. The physical manifestation of Clyde Dugosh's digital will.

E.C.: Who is Vladymir?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: A man who is feared by all who believe what he has to say. Other than that, he's totally irrelevant.

The Minister of Propaganda: Vladimir is a leading advocate of Nazi UFO/free energy conspiracy theories. He also owns the most famous couch in the Western Hemisphere. A dangerous who we easily discredited through our song "Vladimir" (remember" attack when appearing to retreat") and a conspiracy video he made called "Nazi UFO's and the illuminati". Highly recommended viewing of the same caliber as "Waco: rules of engagement" or "Toxic Avenger".

E.C.: What is the social relevance of America's TV culture, glorified in such Illuminati songs as, "Tiki"?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: There's nothing "relevant" in anything we do. We're making fun of those we control. We are laughing at the superior intellect.

The Minister of Propaganda: TV culture has no social relevance other than its ability to keep large number of people off the street for evenings on end. Race horses are kept running by placing blinders on their eyes, humans are kept running by giving them endless hours of television as a reward for being docile sheep. It has done wonders for keeping our thralls in check. Classic example: How can a "TV show" that openly states it is "a show about nothing" win awards and be called cutting edge?

E.C.: Does the band reveal their individual identities?

The Minister of Propaganda: We pose as "every day" people with jobs and hobbies to assure the masses that Illuminati is simply harmless satire.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: Depends on who we're dealing with. Do we even know each other? Maybe....

E.C.: Did man walk on the moon? Or was it a plot?

The Minister of Propaganda: Using free energy, our operatives were on the moon shortly after the second world war. The moon shots shown around the world were faked in a TV studio. Or I could simply be lying to you in order to further confuse the issue.

E.C.: What is the ultimate goal of the Illuminati?

The Minister of Propaganda: World domination (already achieved) and brainwashing our thralls to give up the remaining "freedom" they possess on paper.

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: There is no ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to keep society stable through the illusion of progress.

E.C.: When Janet Reno is at the privacy of her own home, having a beer…what music does she listen to?

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: She listens to whatever we tell her to listen to.

The Minister of Propaganda: I've been told that she is quite a Stretford fan. After consuming several martini's she listens to Vanilla Ice and Poison.

E.C.: Is Britney Spears a CIA plant to infiltrate the teen idol scene? And, were her "breast implants" a clever ruse for high tech, implanted detection devices?

The Minister of Propaganda: Britney's breast implants are a beacon for carnivorous space aliens who like their meat young, fresh, and rare. Sometimes the illuminati has to cut deals like that...its all business. Neither the CIA or NSA are claiming responsibility for Britney...wise move on their part.

E.C.: What does the Illuminati consider rap?

The Minister of Propaganda: Whatever distracts the greatest number of ghetto youth, probably more to come!!

The Minister of Foreign Affairs: Rap is whatever we decide it is.

E.C.: Finally, when will the Illuminati CD be unleashed upon the unsuspecting public and what is the name, or is that classified at the moment?

The Minister of Propaganda: The Illuminati CD named, "Small Towns/Black Helicopters" is to be released on BLACK COPTER RECORDS in the first half of 2000. We have been at this for thousands of years but the musical manifestation of the Illuminati was formed in1997.

There are currently NO Illuminati websites!